I Blocked You Today

The scale has always been on a tipped side. One party always giving in and the other just simply take them. I was too closed within your circle, it became a point that no matter what happens. I'm always a safety net for you. To catch you when you fall, but who is there willing to do this to me?

I felt like a beggar, where I was rejected and thrown out of your life. Yet, you were nice. You offer scraps of leftovers of love you have left for me. You offered me friendship. It seems like a harmless move, to make you become a bigger magnanimous person you are. In my own twisted mind, I felt I was being pitied. My own ego and pride is wounded, my dignity being trampled on the ground. This is how I felt, and this is not what you have thought.

Stirring myself up emotionally, creating drama was all on my own. I accepted it. Let me wallow in my own sorrow and lick my own wounds that I have brought upon myself. It is not your fault that I am being like this. You don't have to feel responsible for the life that I have, the moment you have decided that you wanted to leave. You already left, don't tell me things like you didn't abandon me all the way. You are still there for me when I needed you and such. What difference does that make? The trust and faith I have placed on you, to be there for me, it's gone and will never be the same.

I'm tired of hurting. This is the human side of me, deciding the best path of recovery. To be selfish and cruel to me. Eventually one day I will wake up and the thought of you will never come up to my mind anymore.

Jealousy kills.

And I decided the best way is to stay away from the root of it, You. This way the green monster will never be able to reach me. Poisoning my mind to a point where I can't tell the difference anymore.

Please, carry on and give your attention to others who need it more. Slowly I will forget about those painful goodbyes, and appreciate that endings are actually beautiful beginnings. Maybe I won't be someone's options of choice, that maybe one day someone will love me and accept my weirdness and keeps on choosing me and nobody else.

We are humans, it is normal to make mistakes. The very first person I should forgive is myself, that I refused to make an effort to not give you up. I'm feeling sorry that after being tinge with this endless cycle of sadness, I can't smile as much as I want to and having to pretend everything is alright. To my family and friends, I am sorry that I could not participate in with much enthusiasm even if I tried fitting in. My mind is elsewhere, and the very existence of my being felt more like a burden each day. I am my own worst enemy, allowing self-doubt to cloud my own judgment.

I'm shutting myself out, most importantly to purge you out of my system. I'm sorry I can't be the person you want me to be and you can't be the person that I want as well.

Bye.